8 Questions to ask yourself about the truth about your relationship I was coaching a young woman who was dating a man who wanted other partners at the same time. (Polyamory dating) This was his choice and he was happy for her to have a relationship with anyone else as well.
She wanted to be with him, so she thought she needed to accept that he also had 2 other women that he dated.
She wanted to know whether she was telling herself the truth or lying to herself, about how she felt in the relationship and was polyamory dating right for her.
She came to me upset wanting to leave the relationship, as she felt she was suffering mentally and emotionally, but then she always had some reasons why she wanted to stay. She said;
"He was “better” than anyone else she had been in a relationship with and she liked him. He did not beat her up or physically abuse her, however, she was jealous of the other women he dated and she felt insecure."
She “thought” she had to do something to get over her jealousy and insecurity.
She thought there was something wrong with her and when she got over that, whatever it was, she would not be jealous anymore and she would not feel insecure.
I asked, Sophie, (name changed) if she truthfully, with all her heart did accept that it was loving to her to be in a relationship with someone who had other partners.
She took a moment, breathed into her body and said, “No”. She started to cry. “But if I could just stop being jealous it would be ok. I like him, he is a nice man.”
I asked her if she could imagine being in a relationship exactly the way she could feel and imagine was a loving relationship.
She said, “I can imagine being with a partner one on one. We are loyal to one another and we develop respect and intimacy with each other. We share romantic times together and communicate openly and support one another through our deepest desires and our deepest heartaches.”
I said to her, “While you were imagining your ideal relationship how do you feel?”
She said, “I felt free, warm and light.”
I said, “When else have you felt that way.”
She told me how she had always wanted to study to be a vet but she thought she was not bright enough. One day, some-one said to her, “Who said you are not bright enough?” She said, “No-one only me”. Then she realised that she had a say in how bright she was and if she wanted to be a vet, she would study and become one.
Sophie felt alive, connected, peaceful and energised when talking about being a vet and being with animals.
I then asked her to feel what it was like being in her current relationship.
She started shaking, she cowered, her voice softened, she started to cry again. “I feel terrible.”
Well I said, “Do you think it is normal for your body to feel bad in a relationship? What do you think and feel your body is telling you?” "It is lying to yourself that makes you feel pain."
“Choosing to be a vet is amazing. Choosing a relationship is difficult isn’t it? Aren’t relationships meant to be hard work?” she said.
We talked for awhile about her body telling her deep down that lying to herself, about her “partners beliefs” was causing her suffering.. She felt dis-respected and her body and her soul were in pain.
No amount of trying not to be jealous and not to feel insecure would work if her underlying beliefs did not agree with polyamory .
It was the very structure of the relationship that caused Sophie’s insecurity and mental anxiety. Her insecurity then surfaced beliefs about not being worthy of having a relationship that was loving to her. This led to a vicious self–defeating cycle feeding Sophie’s insecurity, eroding her self esteem and turning her into a cowering, shrivelling, sad mess who suffered emotionally and spiritually.
It is not up to me to choose whether polyamory is right for other people or for Sophie. I guided her to find out what was in her best interests so she could choose freely to be in the relationship or be free to leave the relationship.
Sophie knew what was right for her after feeling the difference in her body of when she was choosing something that made her feel worthy and when she was choosing something that made her feel unworthy.
She needed to spend a little more time listening to her body. She was learning to discern the difference from the messages that were arising from her pain and suffering and the messages that were arising from her joy, freedom and peace.
She knew she had to look at her beliefs about her self-worth in a relationship. She had transformed her relationship with her self about what work she was worthy to do and she listened to her passion and joy to be with animals. She could do it again for an intimate relationship.
You may not have an issue with polyamory, but there may be another core belief that you are over-riding and doing something in a relationship which grates on your values and beliefs and causes you suffering and anxiety.
8 Questions to ask yourself about the truth about your relationship
- Are you taking on a belief that does not resonate with you and you are doing it for your partner to be loved and accepted?
- Where are you making do, as you think this is as good as it gets?
- What is your body telling you, but you are refusing to listen?
- When does your body feel peace and joy in your relationship?
- When do you have mental anxiety and emotional suffering in your relationship?
- Where are you overriding your body knowing, and listening to all the voices inside your head?
- Have you identified which voice is the saboteur and which voice is your loving adult, who is there to look after your best interests?
- How does your body want you to take care of yourself so you feel good about who you are and your life?
Get out of your head and into your body and see what sits right in your belly. We are born to be loved and to give love to ourselves and others. Feeling worthy and loved feels good deep inside our bodies. Learn to listen to the messages from your body.
I published this original article on yourtango.