Can you accept your partner exactly the way they are and not want to change anything? If you are heart broken as there are things we do not like about our partner and we are "trying" to change him or her, or looking over our shoulder thinking, "maybe there is some-one better out there" it is not a very good place to be.
May be there is another way to choose.
Wait for it…
It is so simple…
You have 3 choices…
- 1: Yes
- 2: No
- 3: Maybe and you are sitting on the fence - very uncomfortable!
To the question:
Can you accept him or her exactly as they are? and not expect or want any,… yes, listen again, I said any changes, ever!!!!
- 1: Yes, proceed to stay in the relationship
- 2: No, proceed to leave the relationship
- 3: Maybe, see a Relationship Coach???
Simple, no more dramas, no more complaints!!!
Do you believe it is that simple?
Here is a little more detail about the 3 choices!
Let’s look at Yes = Total acceptance, heal your heart break and start to look at what you have not at what you don't
1: Yes I do accept my partner exactly the way they are and the way they are not with all of his/her blessings, faults, annoyances, projections, values and beliefs. I know the reality of what he or she is and does.
When we first meet our partners we see all the kind, loving and generous ways that they are, Right! After about 3 months we start to see everything, not just the good things!! They might blame us when they are in a bad mood, and now they are saying we are not perfect, and what we thought was cute was actually a put down! Of us!!
If we can accept all the quirks and imperfections and accept that there is nothing we can do or not do to change any of these annoyances then we won’t complain. We will look lovingly at our partner as a vulnerable human being who is struggling in the world to find inner peace and love just as much as we are and we will support one another on our journey.
If we say yes, we are also saying we accept and love ourselves and stand for being respected. We will be loving to ourselves and say no to dis-respectful and abusive behaviour and we will take responsibility for looking after ourselves, leave a room, go out or do whatever we need to do to look after ourselves.
I am also not saying that behaviour can not change. What I am saying is that YOU and ME and WE can not change the behaviour of another person. It is amazing how many of us think that we can change someone else’s behaviour by doing something??? Strange isn’t it how we pick up these, what I see now as false beliefs!
If we chose 1 yes acceptance for life.
We have given up trying to change him or her, we have given up wishing she or he would do something different or be more caring or more of this and less of that. We have given up thinking they will be more loving when they get a new job, or when we do such things as dye your hair green!! I know that sounds ridiculous but so many of us do all kinds of things thinking that it will change the way our partner relates to us.
Number 1 is a total yes, not a yes with a caveat.
We will also accept the consequences of their behaviour and any adverse consequences you will deal with yourself. Now we can go about our life and create our own happiness and share that with our partner and not get offended or hurt or dis-appointed in anything they do or say or do not do or do not say.
And if we are dis-appointed, or sad or unhappy or hurt we will look at what we can do to heal ourselves from within and we will take responsibility for our sadness or dis-appointment. We will not project that dis-appointment on to our partner as we agreed wholeheartedly that we could accept then just the way they are and do want to change them. Right?
Well can any of us do this? People do.
For those of us who can not accept their partner just the way they are there are two more choices.
2: No = I Don't Accept My Partner And Can Not Live With Them
If we choose number 2 No, we do not accept the way our partner may blame us for the way they feel. We do not accept that they abuse me or belittle the children, or doesn’t go to work or whatever it is that we do not accept. These are just examples, each one of us has different things that we accept or do not accept.
The consequence we have a choice to leave this relationship which we do not accept. As we acknowledge that there is nothing that we can do to change this person and their behaviour is dis-respectful and intolerable.
So give yourself permission to leave and leave gracefully.
Be loving to yourself and look within at how you were attracted to some-one who does things that you can no longer tolerate. If abuse, are you abusing yourself? Start to be loving to yourself and you will attract a person who is also loving to themselves and can share love with you. And I know it is a lot more complicated than that. That is the topic of another blog.
Now let’s look at the 3rd Choice
3: Maybe = I am sitting on the fence, half in and out.
If you are in this camp and you can not tolerate the behaviour of your partner but you do not want to leave and you do not want stay you have chosen “Maybe”.
When we are choosing “Maybe” we will probably complain a lot about the relationship. We might even be someone who takes themselves off to a myriad of counsellors and courses looking at what we are doing and how we are co-creating this relationship that is abusive or intolerable.
And we attempt to change ourselves and do all manner of things to get the other person to change.
we may fall over backwards and be compliant in the hope that they will change,
become a bully and boss our partner around until they cave in and become compliant,
anything in between
Guess what, NONE of those things work for us or for our partners.
I hate to give you the news but MAYBE is a pretty uncomfortable place to be. Often described as either stuck in the mud and floundering around with not seeing a way out, or sitting on the fence with barbed wire up your bum which is pretty uncomfortable or seeing ourselves as victims without the possibility of having personal power to create what is best for ourselves.
“Maybe” usually has conditions, which are nearly almost never met. “Maybe’s” also have fantasies that things are going to change when they do something. Like there is just this one thing that annoys me, I know she will change that when we are married. Or once I move in with him then I will get him sorted!!! When he gets a better job he won’t be so cross. He is depressed now but he wasn’t like that in the first 3 months of our relationship. Conditions don’t work for loving relationships.
So what is it going to be?
Your choice, your life!!!
The first version of this blog was posted on Huffington Post